What Was Expected

For some time now, I've been experiencing significant change and development in terms of interests. It's natural for this to happen, of course: few people still follow their superhero dreams from when they were kids, and my childhood fantasies of growing up to be a mailman or polar bear are long gone. Most prospective professional athletes are now content working 9-5, or in a specialized field outside of sports. But what I didn't realize is how quickly interests can change.

For me, the big turning point was college. When I started my studies two years ago, it was a something of a culture shock, being exposed to new kinds of people and digging deeper into topics I'd previously left unexplored. In my first year, my classes focused generally on my intended major: physics. After all, four years earlier I had made what I thought would be my final major interest shift, beginning a life-long relationship with the sciences. Well, I dearly loved those classes, but late in the year -- and especially during my summer term last year -- I began taking a number of liberal arts courses completely unrelated to my major. Slowly, my interests began to change again.

In my second year of college, I was finally able to take an actual physics course, and while it was interesting, I found myself feeling oddly out of place in a classroom of future physicists and engineers. In fact, I felt much more at home in my music and history courses. It was during this year that I started to realize that I was trying to live up to unnecessary expectations -- not of my family, culture, or teachers, but of my own.

I was going to be a physicist. That was it. It was said and done. That's what I'd been telling everyone for years. What would they think if I suddenly said I wasn't so sure of my life path? I struggled with this throughout the school year, but I ultimately realized that it wasn't others I was afraid to admit my indecision to, it was myself. How could I look myself in the eye and say "I don't know what I want to do with my life"? Sure, there are plenty of people who don't have a plan for their lives, but I always felt like I did. The problem is, my interests are constantly changing. I still love the sciences, and I'm still going into physics. But at the same time, I long to write, make music, and study the arts.

I don't quite know how to end this post, because I haven't resolved any of these questions yet. Am I a scientist? Am I an artist? Are all of those people who seem to fit so perfectly into one of those categories really any different from me? Does everyone else have doubts, and interests that don't fall into that one category with which they define themselves? I don't know. All I know is that my life is not what was expected. And I think that's okay.
 

Please continue the discussion by commenting below, or by emailing me at vincentzhaboka@gmail.com. Thanks for reading!